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Welcome to the Bickering Bugle

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This is the news hub of Bickering on Sea, housing news stories related to the happenings in Bickering on Sea, Squabbling on the Wold, Great Mithering, Gripings End, Lower Rankling, Much Heckling, Upper Rankling and Branchester. The editor, Mr Mark Kemp, and his team, make sure that local news, especially accounts of events in Bickering on Sea, as described in stories on the shelves of Bickering Library, are communicated to all our readers.

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The news contained in the Bugle reflects the many colourful stories available to read in Bickering on Sea’s diverse venues, and serves to alert its subscribers to new stories available for their entertainment.

 

Publisher: Sir Edgar Possett

Editor: Mark Kemp

Advertising Manager: Charles Glassock

Reporter: Hailey Crabbe

 

Our aim at the Bugle is to keep you updated as new stories are added to the Bickering on Sea story universe. If you would like to receive occasional email updates, please subscribe to our mailing list here.

 

If you would like to add your own contribution to the stories available in Bickering on Sea, please visit the Contributions page for further information.

Features

EXPLOSION

ON ACACIA STREET

4th February 2020

by Haliey Crabbe

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The peace of Bickering on Sea was shattered yesterday, after an explosion which rocked the otherwise calm community of Acacia Street. The incident involved the workshop of the well-known inventor, Professor Richard Bilman (49), the man behind many gadgets familiar to us all, including the hat shaped hand dryer common in many public conveniences. 

 

Fire crews and two police cars were dispatched to the scene after neighbours reported, "strange bangs and loud sucking noises" emanating from the Professor's end of garden workshop. On arrival at the scene, officers reported that Prof Bilman, who moved to the town 7 years ago, was in perfect health and, other than some minor damage to the shed-like structure which acts as his workshop, all was well. Neighbours have been reassured and thanked for their vigilance. 

 

Professor Bilman's wife, Dr Miriam Bilman (42), commented on her husband's behalf; "My husband conducts many experiments in the course of his important work. Unfortunately, they might not always proceed as expected and, in this case, the result was several loud noises. He apologises for causing concern and reassures all of our valued neighbours that none of the work he carries out in his workshop is in any way dangerous." 

 

Dr Bilman's comments will go some way to assuaging the fears of local residents, who are keen to preserve the peace and prosperity of Bickering on Sea in the light of the expected busy tourist season. 

 

Mayor Justine Parmenter (64) commented, "We are tremendously proud to have a reknowned resident like Professor Richard Bilman in our lovely town. He chose to come to Bickering on Sea because it is a good place to do business. His work is making the world a better place and we hope that his current project, no matter how loud it might be, will bring yet more visitors to our town. Who knows, maybe there will be a Blue Plaque in Acacia Street in the future." 

MISSING BOY!

CAN YOU HELP? 

3rd February 2020

By Mark Kemp

 

Residents of Bickering on Sea have been asked to come forward with any information as to the whereabouts of John Smith (16). The young man, of 25 Acacia Street, Bickering on Sea, has been reported missing by his parents. 

 

He had been expected at an Explorer Scout Camp, but did not appear at the prearranged venue where he was supposed to receive a lift from his Scout leader and friends. Police have narrowed down the time when he was last seen to the same day as a recent explosion in the workshop of his next door neighbour, Professor Richard Bilman (49), but reassure the public that there is no evidence whatsoever that the events are linked. 

 

Inspector George Rough (36) commented, "John Smith was last seen carrying a heavy rucksack and wearing a beige Explorer shirt and Scout scarf. He was due to attend a camping event, but has not been seen since he left home. Please will members of the public give information relating to sightings, or the young man's whereabouts, to Bickering on Sea Police." 

 

Please contact Insp. Geogre Rough at Bickering Police Station if you have any information. 

Features

Letters to the Editor

Another Message from the

Bickering on Sea Youth FC Club Secretary 

 

27th March 2021

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Dear Fans, 

 

We would like to reaffirm how saddened we were by the decision of  the  Branchestershire  Football  Association to charge our (now ex) Club President Mr David Tramp with incitement to violence following the recent crowd trouble at a number of our fixtures. 

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We believe the decision taken to charge Mr Tramp was politically motivated by our rivals from  Squabbling on the Wold, and utterly without merit. 

 

We do not deny that Mr Tramp has engaged some of our fan base, indeed he was proud to have done so. By paying for the transport of the supporters’ group ‘Bickering Young Boys’ to enable them to attend away games when their parents withheld their pocket money he ensured a good following. His tweets to show support of the fan groups, saying things like ‘get stuck in’ and ‘give them what for’, were aimed at generating a loud series of chants rather than the unsightly scenes that followed. It is clear to us that any claims to the contrary are severe distortions of truth. We of course vigorously fought these claims, despite the weight of evidence provided. We were always confident that we could clear Mr Tramp of the charges. 

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And as it came to pass, we were proved to be right. Although the majority of other clubs made an evidence-based decision that Mr Tramp was in the wrong,  complex  Branchestershire  Football Association rules allowing Bickering on Sea FC to have the deciding vote ensured he was able to avoid disciplinary action. 

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Clearly, the club would like to move on. We say to the parents that Mr Tramp is no longer our club president, having comprehensively won the ballot for re-election late last year. We have also taken steps to deal with the troublemakers from Bickering Youth Boys; both have been grounded by their parents and will not be allowed to attend matches until they have had a good think about what they have done and promise to behave at future matches. Our new president hopes to heal the fanbase so that we can all look forward to enjoying supporting our club. 

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James Dale 

Club Secretary 

Bickering on Sea Under 18s 

A Message from the

Bickering on Sea Youth FC Club Secretary 

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27th February 2021

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Dear Fans, 

 

We would like to apologise to you all for the late postponement of our Branchestershire Football Association Youth Cup first round tie against Squabbling on the Wold F.C. 

 

Despite the constant reminders and protocols we have put in place recently, at least two of our players broke the restrictions put in place around the county and travelled to an ice-cream sundae bar in a neighbouring town to celebrate Saturday’s victory over Great Mithering. 

 

Whilst there, it appears that these players did not maintain an adequate distance from other diners.  Three days after returning home, one of the players reported symptoms to their mother and who proceeded to arrange for a test to take place.  The results of the test were positive; the player was immediately isolated from the rest of the squad and all other players were checked.  Unfortunately, it was confirmed that another five of the first team squad had become infected, presumably at training on Monday night. 

 

Given the late notice and the small squad size, we were unable to call up replacements to allow us to field a full team.  Having been informed of the situation, SOTW FC also made their feelings known, and felt it unsafe for their players to be in close proximity to ours, even players who had been checked.  Therefore, the only option available was for the match to be cancelled.  We are awaiting confirmation, but we expect that the Branchestershire FA will award the match to SOTW FC rather than rearrange the fixture. 

 

The affected players have been given treatment and will not be allowed to return to training until they have been retested.  We are undertaking a deep clean of our changing facilities.  We do expect to be able to play the fixture at Lower Rankling next week. 

 

Given the circumstances and outbreaks of incidents across the county, we would like to remind the parents of all the players of the local rules: 

 

  • Children should not travel to towns where it is known that nits are rife 

  • Children should not mix in close proximity with other children who are from areas with high incidents of nits 

  • Parents should regularly check hair for instances of nits, and where found use medication or combs to remove them and keep the child off school and other social activities until they have gone 

 

Thank you for your cooperation, 

 

James Dale 

Club Secretary 

Bickering on Sea under 18s 

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Letters

From the Archives

Audacity of Bickering Museum Burglars 

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3rd April 2017

by Mark Kemp 

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Police were called to the Bickering on Sea Heritage Museum in the early hours of 1st April 2017, where several local residents reported an alarm sounding, due to a possible break-in. Two officers, PC Penn and DC Khan, rushed to attend the scene, but were not in time to apprehend the perpetrators, who fled the scene; the ‘Bickering in the 20th Century’ exhibit on the ground floor. Thieves are believed to have got away with only one exhibit, but caused considerable damage to four display cases, a fire door and a window. 

 

Sergeant Bill Fuller of Bickering on Sea Police said, “We believe that this may have been an April Fool’s Day prank which got out of hand. A full inventory has been taken and it appears that the only item stolen was a very old cannabis plant, dating from 1975. No doubt the miscreants were hoping that this plant would still retain its potency. Judging by the dry leaf debris that we found at the point of entry – and escape – they will be very disappointed.”  

 

Local residents, Miss Patience Todd (74) and her sister, Miss Constance Todd (76), who live opposite the Museum, were among those who raised the alarm. The two plucky ladies were first on the scene, arriving shortly before the police. Miss Patience Todd said, “It was difficult to see in the moonlight, as the street lamp outside the Museum is out of order, so I can’t say confidently that we could identify them. But my sister and I caught a glimpse of two shadowy figures fleeing the scene of the crime, and they seemed to us to be wearing hoods.” 

 

Miss Constance Todd told The Bickering Bugle, “This sort of behaviour should not be tolerated in our beautiful town. These people spoil things for the rest of us.”  

 

Miss Audrey Possett, Curator of the Museum, was away, staying with cousins, when the break-in took place, and was reportedly distraught at the news. “I’m distraught at the news,” she said. 

 

Sergeant Fuller confirmed that the Museum had been dusted for fingerprints, but it appeared that the thieves had worn gloves. Anyone with any further information is asked to contact the team at Bickering on Sea Police Station.  

TRAGEDY AT THE CASTLE 

Young man falls to his death. Headless Monk rumours surface once again.

 

4th August 1857

by Arthur Kemp

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Tragedy befell yet another young man at Bickering Castle, when Mr William Campford, late of Bickering on Sea and Balliol College, Oxford University, fell to his death, early on the evening of Monday 3rd August.  

 

Mr Campford (20) had previously been observed reading peacefully in the warm sunshine, in the shadow of the infamous North Tower. At next occasion, a reputable young woman of his acquaintance, Miss Chastity Prevail (17), witnessed Mr Campford in conference with, what she called, "a glowing, hooded figure," and that he, "looked quite terrified." 

 

Shortly thereafter, Mr Campford was observed running with all haste towards the cliff edge. Much to the horror of those in attendance, he continued his headlong flight, running right over the cliff edge. He was dashed to death on the rocks below, during the unseasonably low tide. 

 

Inspector Arthur Day, of the newly formed Branchestershire Contabulary, told The Bugle that Mr Campford is understood to have undergone a transformation into insanity. The madness caused him to take his own life in a tragic manner. No foul play is suspected and representatives of the Bishop of Branchester have been called in to investigate rumours of supernatural spirits. 

 

Since the castle was completed in 1278, ghost stories and rumours of encounters with a mysterious hooded figure have abounded. So much so that stories of The Headless Monk have become folklore in Bickering on Sea.  

 

Councillors of neighbouring Squabbling on the Wold have accused their counterparts in Bickering of sophistry, but Sir Hezekiah Grey, Mayor of Bickering on Sea, referred to their claims as, "sheer poppycock and the fevered imaginings of jealous neighbours."  

 

Sir Hezekiah went on to say, "All right-thinking people know that Bickering on Sea is one of the most haunted places in England, and the Headless Monk is the jewel in our supernatural crown. While my deepest condolences are extended to My Campford's family, it is my dearest hope that visitors will continue to enjoy the pleasures of Bickering Castle, as well as walking on Bickering on Sea's delightful promenade." 

 

The Bugle cannot help but wonder if the Mayor's response is a little callous, yet we believe that members of the Royal Society have been despatched to Bickering, to investigate. Will this shocking occurrence uncover proof of foul play, or will Bickering Castle be shown to be truly haunted? Who can say? 

 

Rumours of the Headless Monk, however, will continue. 

A Letter from the Past

From 15th March 1833

 

Sir,

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It is with great joy that Bickering Parish Council reports the clearance of the site of the soon to be constructed Bickering Pleasure Pier. 

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The dreadful hovels which previously blighted the otherwise delightful seafront of our beloved town will imminently be replaced with a beautiful new Please Pier, which will rival the one recently opened in Brighton. It is our firm hope that this will be yet another feather in our cap, and help to put Bickering on Sea firmly on the map. Perhaps it will even bring our fine town to the notice of my distant cousin the Early Grey, his wife the Countess Grey, and other significant personages. It is well know that his Lordship is a firm believer in the efficacy of sea air.

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Where is there sea air more efficacious that that to be found in Bickering on Sea? It is my humble pleasure personally to meet the cost of this wonder of the modern age, and I will be delighted to forego the privilege of lending my name to it. I should like to make clear that I do not wish to blow my own trumpet in such a manner, preferring to watch from a distance while the people of our beloved town benefit from my generosity. 

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It has been rumoured that there was a fatality on the day of the clearance. I am given to understand that this entirely false and the result of misinformation spread by unscrupulous parish councillors of neighbouring towns. 

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Yours,

Sir Uriah Grey,

Mayor of Bickering on Sea

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Archive

Sports

BBC take revenge on Squabbs 

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3rd January 2021

by Hailey Crabbe

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The heroic boys and girls of Bickering Bowls Club (first team) have triumphed over local rivals, The Squabs (Squabbling on the Wold Bowls Club), in a tense and hard fought match. The rivalry between BBC and The Squabs is recognised as one of the tensest in the Branchestershire Bowls League. 

 

Played at home on the lawn of Bickering Hall, the thrilling match took place in front of a vocal crowd of hardcore supporters, who regaled the opposition team with their selection of highly colourful songs in support of the BBC.  

 

This was the return fixture, following an eventful match earlier in the season, and there were many recriminations after the violence that erupted in the last match. Billy Crabbe, chairman of the BBC Supporters Association, was attacked by one of the Squabbling players, Shadrack Sharp, who accused Mr Crabbe of "making inflammatory gestures and looking at me funny." Police said that the injury caused by Mr Sharp's zimmer frame might have been much worse, had it not been for the intervention of his carer. Mr Sharp is now serving a suspended sentence for affray, and a life-long ban from the Branchestershire Bowls League. 

 

The atmosphere at Bickering Hall was tense, and the capacity crowd of 42 showed themselves to be well and truly up for the match. Happily, representatives of the Branchestershire Bowls League were pleased to report that, this time, there was no crowd trouble and, whilst the atmosphere among the players was prickly, there were no incidents on the green either. 

 

Reg Porter (84), club captain and sponsor of the BBC, said, "We thrashed them, and rightly so. 6-5 is a good drubbing according to anyone's point of view. We put on a tremendous show for the spectators, and The Squabs will go home with their tails between their legs. I'm confident that we can now go on and bring the league trophy home to Bickering this year." 

 

BBC sit second in the league with a match in hand, behind the Much Heckling Giants. 

 

The captain of The Squabs, Thomas Crumpet (76), said, "Our team played well and almost won." When asked to comment on the bad blood between the teams, he replied, "I really don't understand where it comes from. All I want to do is play bowls with my lady wife and enjoy my retirement." 

 

Strong words indeed. 

 

The entire town of Bickering will look forward to the next match, which is set to take place on 19th July at the Squabbling on the Wold Bowls Arena, The Marchmont Industrial Estate, Squabbling on the Wold. Entry: £5 (including sandwiches). 

 

This reporter will certainly be there... 

 

Full result card: 

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Sports
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